If you have love for something or someone, very deep, it is said that, even the universe conspires to fulfill them.
I wonder, about what actually happened to us. I search for answers every single night, what was so wrong about my emotions to be destined with the agony that time has barely healed. I read somewhere, that – “it is both a blessing to be able to feel things deeply”. But to me,it has been nothing than a “curse” which is there to cripple me life long.. I clearly remember the circumstances we were acquainted , a very unfavorable and unexpected one. After all, life is not a fairy tale,at least it was not for me. We fell in love, despite the differences we possessed, paved ways to walk those Rocky roads of love , and finally when I believed that things were falling into places,it was snatched ,in such a way that even now, even after years, I have this never ending conversations between my heart and mind,and have to joggle my head, look at contact list(which no longer contains your contact number) to ascertain my brain about my concrete existence to have been only a memory to the person who used to be my significant other.
And tonight, I was to be tested once more. I was absurdly waiting for your birthday message, checking my phone repeatedly until I felt asleep with headphones on my ears. How would you understand, that these days songs which surpass vigorous selection of beats and the lyrics are my best companions, which neutralizes my numbness, splits my soul flooding my eyes, eventually guiding my heart to tranquility. I guess I have also applied some of the knowledge I learned at my med-school to bring the little solace to myself during distress and insomnia.
I woke up, with the notifications beeping in my phone. I was reluctantly searching for yours but there was none from you, of course! You had said, “We would still be friends.” It was your decision , taken because our family was against it. I was determined that we would eventually win their hearts. But you wouldn’t give up your family’s pride. “We can never be happy by hurting our family,” that was what you convinced to me. Well, I never believe that the people who were once in love can be good friends. Because, the emotions are never gone. They are rather expressed as consecutive outrage.
Teardrops were trickling on my phone-screen before I realized I was weeping. I stood up, wiped my tears and rushed to bathroom before anyone else would find me in such state. As an adult, bathing is not just the way of cleanliness; it is warranted way of washing away the tears, sadness, anger, regrets and to mask them with a smile.
It’s amazing how I have mastered to hide my demons even in front of my parents who always read my face intensely. I received the blessings of parents with a wide smile, mysteriously when they mentioned that they want their son-in- law beside me to celebrate the occasion next year.
And there you were, your name finally appeared in my newsfeed. You had been tagged by your wife, in photos of her birthday celebration…You beaming beside her, with the candles, sweets, cake and balloons around. “Wow! What a coincidence!”, I muttered to myself. I could feel my heart pounding,face growing pale, palms turning sweaty and tears rolling down my cheeks. I had this instant urge to message. “Congratulations for the fine and cheerful arrangement on your wife’s very first birthday celebration with you. “ I typed in haste, raged with anger, jealousy, sadness, everything! I had no courage to send that though. I deleted the every words, thoughtfully, as if I was memorizing it. Then, wiped my tears and smiled to myself one more time and thanked to God for giving me one more reason to haunt me in my upcoming birth days.
I stared at my headphone. “There you are, my pal!” I smiled again, insanely…and tuned in the recent song I discovered in YouTube.
“Would have thought you wrote down every word,
Goodbye spelled out like it had been rehearsed,
You said I was your one and only
So what makes you think I want to hear you say
We can still be friends
No I don’t want to be friends
I got to be honest
You really believe that’s the truth
You never loved me like I loved you.”